First Love is Forever

In the fifth grade, the one shining light in the whole change of schools/culture shock scenario was meeting Tim. He would become my best friend all during the school year. In fact, we became more than just friends - we became preteen lovers. This was a time when I explored my sexuality uninhibited. The sex we had was thrilling because it seemed so "naughty" to a couple of ten year olds, yet there wasn't any guilt attached to it. I can remember having orgasms without the accompanying fluids, and then wanting to stop immediately thereafter. Tim and I had a strange relationship. It was a friendship, but it went deeper than that. I can honestly say I fell in love with him, even though the concept was still a bit foreign to me. I can say this with confidence because, to this day, I still love him, and now I know what that really does mean.

I remember in particular one night we spent together at his house. We did a sleepover and his parents put us in his sister's room because it had a bigger bed in it. We couldn't wait to get to bed and begin exploring our bodies. We laughed and giggled and took turns performing oral sex on one another. Unfortunately, we made too much noise and in the middle of the night his father came in and made Tim move to the sofa in the living room. It was frustrating and disappointing because it left me all alone, yearning to smell the scent of fabric softener on his pajamas and to feel his warm body. I wished he had sneaked back in to be with me, but eventually I fell asleep, alone. To this day I can still imagine that I smell his scent, and it gives me warm flutters in my chest.

I also remember us playing "strip poker." Of course, neither of us really knew how to play poker. It was more of a ruse to get to take our clothes off and have sex. The rule was that the winner would suck the loser's dick. I seemed to win more than I lost, LOL.

When we hit sixth grade, we drifted apart. I guess it was because we were both moving toward puberty and because I was a bit of a quiet child, sort of on the fringe of the class since I came so late to the school. Tim was very extroverted and he made friends easily. I think it was kind of embarrassing for him to hang out with me in this crucial year and we stopped seeing each other.

Sixth and seventh grades would pass without any close contact between us. However, I did manage to find another sex partner with a kid named Shawn who was from my neighborhood and with another kid from school and his 18 year old brother. Nowadays the brother would be arrested and marked as a sex offender, but I can assure you that I was as willing as he was. People have hard time believing that a kid can want sex as much as an adult. Some of us are born whores I guess, LOL.

In eighth grade I was really missing Tim. I would see him every day and the longing was still as strong inside me as it had ever been. Finally, mustering courage, I wrote him a note. I know, how gay is that, right? I felt like a school girl but I didn't care. I had to take the chance. I wrote asking him if we could be friends again, carefully adding "but not like before" at the end, since I didn't want him to think I would be expecting sex. Later, he would tell me that I didn't need to say "not like before," which made me think he might have wanted to resume our intimacy. I just wanted to reestablish contact again. During my science class I got a pass to the restroom and went to Tim's locker. The lockers had vents at the top and I slid the note into the vents and listened as it dropped inside to the bottom of his locker. Now I would have to wait and hope that he didn't scorn me.

To my surprise, Tim was just as eager to be friends again as I was, and he and I began our friendship anew. This time there was no sex - at least no blatant sex. We had a strange ritual. He would come to my house when we were all alone and we would wrestle. I would let him pin me down and he would straddle my neck, his crotch pushing near my face, and he would say "do you want a pearl necklace?" I would later learn that this was a euphemism for cumming on someone's neck. Of course, it never came to pass.

This behavior between us continued until one night in ninth grade Tim slept over. It was the weekend and he and I stayed up watching that stupid 70's show "Solid Gold." We were sitting on the loveseat in the living room of my parents house and I kept wanting so much to attack Tim and rip his clothes off. By now we had both reached puberty and the longings turned to lusty passion. As we watched the show I made a joke, saying "those male dancers are so gay!" And, in one of those moments we all have when one hears the words one most wants to hear from someone else, Tim said "I think I'm gay." OMG. He did not just say that. And, tragically, hearing what I had been waiting to hear, yet disbelieving my ears, I said "what?" Not "really? me too!" but "what?" and he said "nothing." There it was. It was the fateful moment when I could have grabbed passion by the horns and instead my hesitation cost me everything. I couldn't get him to repeat what he said and finally we went off to bed.

That night we shared my waterbed. I had a stereo next to the bed and, after we stripped down to underwear and t-shirts, Tim asked if he could listen to the stereo through my headphones. I assented and we got into bed. A while passed and Tim appeared to be sleeping, although he would confirm to me 25 years later that he was actually awake. I was incredibly horny and I could see that Tim had an erection, which I assumed was just a sleep induced erection. I softly touched it through his underwear, my breathing getting heavier and my heart pounding. It was all I could to to keep myself from jumping him. The head of his cock began to peek out of the waistband of his underwear and I was thrilled by the changes puberty had brought about. I began to stroke the head of his penis with my finger until I could bear it no more. I gently laid down on top of him while he lay there, motionless. I dry humped him through my underwear until I came with convulsive force. I lay there briefly after I had finished, panting, and then slowly rolled off of him and went to sleep.

The next morning I awoke to find Tim sitting indian-style on the floor next to the bed, chin resting on one hand while he flipped through a magazine. We chatted briefly and then he said he felt unwell and asked me to call his dad to come pick him up. After he left, I wondered if he had been awake the previous night during my sexual advances. 25 years later Tim would confirm that he was, indeed, awake and that the reason he didn't feel well the next morning was because "I had blue balls." What a waste. If only he had reacted, we could have made wild love together that night.

After that night, things changed between us. Tim became distant and he stopped wanting to get together. I was obessed with him and I was crushed. I was deeply in love at this point and wanted to be with him, but nothing was ever discussed between us, and we drifted apart once again. At one point, in a failed attempt to win him over, I filled his locker with gifts for his birthday (I had the combination), but it backfired. He became embarrassed and angry and told me to take it all back. That was really the last time we spoke in high school. Tim eventually "dated" some girls and the only time I saw him was in gym. I can remember doodling in science class while I daydreamed about being with Tim. I would write, over and over, IWTSTSC. This was shorthand for "I want to suck Tim's cock." I just couldn't shake him.

I remember one last time we were naked together. It was in gym class after swimming. We had gang showers in our locker room and everyone tended to shower after swimming. Tim was in the shower with me and we both lingered until no one else was left but just the two of us. We stood there silently glancing sideways at each other, partially aroused, but too nervous to say a word. And that would be the end.

25 years later, having thought about Tim many, many, many times over the years and wishing so much that we were in contact, I located him on Classmates.com. It took me awhile to screw up the courage to send him an email via their website. Finally, I sent a short note inquiring about his well-being. Then I waited. To my surprise, I received a response and learned that Tim was living in my area. He was still single but living with a woman. I had entered law school and we chatted on the phone one night about our lives for a bit. Tim had recently bought a house as had I, and his girlfriend was a graduate of my law school. It was some common ground. Tim told me his younger brother had come out of the closet as a young man, but had tragically killed himself. Tim shared with me his active support for gay marriage, and told me that he did so in memory of his brother. I was disappointed that he wasn't gay, but I did find it odd that he was the one who broached our past relations. It was during this conversation that Tim revealed to me that he had been awake the night I humped him, and I wondered inside if maybe part of him still longed for what we had. Maybe someday I will work up the courage to find out.